The subtle art of not giving a fck

In The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson encourages us to move beyond the common self-development narrative that pressures us to always strive to be the “best” or the “most.” Instead, he advocates for embracing the subtle art of not caring, essentially urging us to stop fixating on non-essential aspects of our lives.

The subtle art of not giving a fck By Mark Manson, 2017, 188 pages,

**Summary of “*The subtle art of not giving a fck***“

Chapter 1 – Don’t Try

1.1 – The story of Charles Bukowski or the success of a failure

Charles Bukowski’s story is that of a man who struggled with alcoholism, womanizing, and gambling. In In The subtle art of not giving a fck, according to Mark Manson, he wouldn’t be the first choice for life advice or to be quoted in a self-help book. However, Manson starts “The subtle art of not giving a fck” by sharing Bukowski’s story. Despite living a challenging life for over thirty years, Bukowski gets a chance from a publishing manager, writes his first book at fifty, and becomes a renowned novelist and poet.

Manson sees Bukowski as an embodiment of the American dream because he fought persistently for his goals, never gave up, and eventually achieved his dreams. However, Manson argues that it’s not just determination that led to Bukowski’s success. Instead, he believes Bukowski succeeded because he embraced his identity as a “loser,” was okay with it, and authentically wrote about it in his books. In Manson’s view, Bukowski’s success comes from being a failure and coming to terms with it.

Manson’s point is that Bukowski’s life illustrates that self-improvement and success, while often connected, aren’t always directly correlated.

1.2 – A society centered on our shortcomings, creating frustrations

The world around us keeps telling us to want everything all the time. The constant messages urge us to be happier, healthier, the best, and more in various aspects. But truly happy people don’t need to repeat it to themselves in front of a mirror; they just are.

However, this advice often makes us focus on what we lack. The pressure to be positive reminds us of what we’re not, what we don’t have, or what we failed to become. Mark Manson suggests that this pursuit of endless happiness and satisfaction is futile.

According to Manson, for a fulfilling life, we shouldn’t always want more. Instead, he advises having realistic goals and appreciating what is true, immediate, and important to us.

1.3 – Mark Manson’s solution: to not give a fuck!

What messes up our lives is thinking there’s something wrong with us. We get upset at death for wanting to harm us, feel guilty about feeling guilty, and get angry about being angry. Mark Manson suggests that for these reasons, it’s better not to care too much.

Manson shares three important ideas:

Wanting more positive experiences can be a negative experience itself. Accepting the negative experiences, though, can be positive.
According to the “backward law” by philosopher Alan Watts, the more you chase feeling better, the less satisfied you become. Seeking constant happiness can make you feel like something is missing.
The good things in life often come with some negative experiences. Avoiding suffering can lead to more suffering, and trying to skip struggles still involves a struggle. Denying failure is a kind of failure, and hiding shame only makes it worse.

Manson suggests learning to focus on what really matters to us based on our values, rather than getting caught up in everything that comes our way.

1.4 – The subtle art of not giving a fck, what does it mean?

In The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson explains “not giving a fuck” through three key points:

It’s not about being indifferent; it’s about being comfortable with being different.
We can’t avoid caring about everything, but we can choose not to care about things that aren’t important to us and focus on what truly matters.
To not care about challenges, we need to prioritize something more important than those challenges.

Identifying what matters to us is crucial, so we don’t struggle for things that aren’t worth it. As we age, we become more selective in what we care about, focusing on what is truly meaningful. This simplification in life can lead to genuine happiness and self-acceptance.

1.5 – Why this book The subtle art of not giving a fck?

Mark Manson’s goal with “The subtle art of not giving a fck” is to assist us in:

Clarifying our life choices and distinguishing between what is important and what is not.
Using the attitude of not giving a fuck to reorient our expectations and focus on what truly matters.
Transforming our suffering into tools, turning trauma into power, and making our problems more manageable.

Think of the book as a guide on how to suffer better — understanding suffering, approaching it with compassion and humility. It won’t teach you to always win, gain, or succeed, but rather how to lose, step back, and let go. It encourages taking inventory of your life, keeping only what’s truly important. Above all, it teaches you to fall backward with your eyes closed, minimizing the damage you might do to your own life and helping you let go of the constant need to succeed.

Chapter 2 – Happiness Is a Problem

2.1 – Suffering is unavoidable and useful

In this chapter of The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson opens with the tale of a king and his son in the Himalayas, revealing it to be the life story of Buddha. From opulence to deprivation and eventual balance, the prince’s journey mirrors Buddha’s fundamental philosophy: suffering and loss are inevitable, and resisting them is futile.

Manson argues that life itself is a type of suffering, an experience no one can escape. According to him:

Happiness isn’t something you can obtain through a formula or achievement, unlike getting into a prestigious school.
Dissatisfaction and unease are inherent aspects of human nature and are even essential in the construction of happiness.

2.2 – Hope for a life full of “good” problems

Mark Manson suggests that suffering serves a biological purpose—it triggers feelings of dissatisfaction and internal insecurity, prompting innovation and survival. Chronic dissatisfaction has historically driven humanity to fight, build, and conquer, making it an evolutionary feature.

Therefore, according to Manson, avoiding suffering isn’t beneficial as it plays a role in well-being. He advises against expecting a life without problems, emphasizing that such a life doesn’t exist. Instead, he encourages hoping for a life filled with meaningful challenges, or what he calls “good problems.”

2.3 – Solving problems makes you happy

Mark Manson asserts -in The subtle art of not giving a fck- that genuine happiness involves actively engaging with challenges. It’s an ongoing process because problem-solving is a task that never truly ends. True happiness, according to Manson, comes when you can identify and enjoy solving the problems that you have.

However, for many people, life isn’t that straightforward. Manson outlines two primary reasons for this:

Denial:

Some individuals refuse to acknowledge their problems. This leads them to deceive themselves or turn away from reality through various distractions.

The victim mentality:

Others choose to believe they can’t solve their problems when, in reality, they very well could. By adopting a victim mentality, they place blame on others or external circumstances, resulting in anger, a sense of helplessness, and despair.

2.4 – Don’t make a big deal of your emotions

Our emotions serve as a mechanism designed to signal whether something is beneficial or harmful to us. Essentially, they act as biological indicators guiding us toward favorable change:

Negative emotions prompt action: When we experience negative emotions, it’s a signal that we need to take some form of action to address the situation.
Positive emotions reward proper action: Positive emotions serve as a reward, indicating that we’ve acted in a way that benefits us.

While emotions are crucial, Mark Manson emphasizes that they’re not everything in life. They’re neuro-biological suggestions, not strict commandments. Therefore, Manson suggests that instead of blindly trusting our emotions, it’s important to develop a habit of questioning them.

2.5 – Choose your battles

Mark Manson contends that the path to happiness involves embracing struggle. To truly thrive, find enduring fulfillment, and infuse meaning into your life, it’s crucial to identify and manage your struggles.

Instead of asking what you enjoy in life, Manson suggests a more relevant question: “What suffering are you willing to endure?” In his words, “What are you willing to struggle for?” To illustrate this, Manson shares his childhood dream of becoming a rock star. Despite elaborate plans and daydreaming about the rock star life, he never pursued or achieved this dream. Why? Because he realized he liked the result (the image of himself on stage, receiving applause) but didn’t enjoy the process of getting there. He thought he wanted something that he didn’t genuinely desire – the reward without the effort, the victory without the fight.

Manson’s point is that to understand ourselves, we must know what we’re willing to struggle for. Our battles shape our successes.

Chapter 3 – You’re nothing special, you know…

The reality is that there’s no such thing as a unique personal problem. If you’re facing an issue, rest assured that millions of people have encountered it before you, many are dealing with it at this very moment, and others will confront it in the future. This is true for people you know as well. In essence, you’re not uniquely special in having this particular problem.

3.1 – Jimmy, the “deadbeat”

In the third chapter, Mark Manson introduces a new character, Jimmy, and provides a detailed description of him. Jimmy is overly optimistic, egotistical, self-assured, all talk, and relies on others. He firmly believes he can become wealthy without putting in any effort and live a luxurious life without making any sacrifices. In essence, Jimmy thinks he deserves the best, but according to Manson, he’s just a “deadbeat.”

Manson argues that popular self-development methods, which often encourage people to believe they are special and promote a positive self-image without valid reasons, don’t create a society of individuals like Bill Gates or Martin Luther King. Instead, they may contribute to a population more like Jimmy.

According to Manson, true self-worth is measured in how one perceives and evaluates their negative experiences and flaws.

3.2 – “Showing off” to compensate: Mark Manson’s youth

In this chapter of The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson shares a portion of his adolescence and the challenges he faced. He recounts events such as being expelled from high school at the age of 13 for having marijuana in his bag, his lies, and his parents’ divorce. With sincerity and humility, he paints a self-portrait of a likable and intelligent but rebellious and untruthful teenager. He then describes his young adult years as immature, self-absorbed, and a womanizer, admitting to having a “big head” and a constant need for drama.

His unquenchable thirst for validation led to systematic self-satisfaction and even self-glorification. He felt entitled to say or do anything without regard for others, betraying trust and justifying himself with weak excuses.

Through his personal experiences, Manson concludes that the more intense the suffering, the more helpless one feels about their problems, and the more likely they are to show off to compensate. This need for validation manifests in one of two ways: either proclaiming “I’m awesome, and you all suck, so I deserve special treatment,” or declaring “I suck, and you’re all awesome, so I deserve special treatment.”

3.3 – The tyranny of the exceptional

In general, people tend to be fairly average in most aspects of life. Even if they excel in one area, they’re likely below average in many others. Despite this, it’s the extremes that capture attention and make headlines. We’re constantly bombarded with the extraordinary, from the best to the worst, the most impressive to the scariest, shaping our perception of what is considered normal.

The continuous influx of information, particularly through technology, makes us believe that the exceptional is the new standard. As a result, being labeled as “average” has become a form of invalidation, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and shame.

Mark Manson argues that acknowledging and accepting our existence as not exceptional:

Frees us to pursue what truly motivates us without unrealistic expectations.
Enables us to appreciate the value of everyday things more.

Chapter 4 – The Value of Suffering

4.1 – The meaning of our suffering

The story of Hiroo Onoda

In this new chapter, Mark Manson introduces a post-World War II story about Hiroo Onoda, a Japanese lieutenant. Pursued by American troops, Onoda takes refuge in the jungle of the island of Lubang in the Philippines a few months before the war’s end.

After the war concludes, Onoda, isolated in the hostile jungle, firmly believes for over thirty years that the war never ended. Despite numerous efforts by the US Army and Japanese authorities to inform him of the war’s conclusion, Onoda remains unconvinced. He sees it as a trap and continues guerrilla warfare, adamantly refusing to leave his hiding place. It takes a young, unconventional adventurer named Suzuki to find him and successfully persuade him to acknowledge the reality of the war’s end.

Why do we suffer?

When Suzuki questions Onoda about his decision to persist in armed struggle, Onoda explains that he had been commanded to “never surrender,” and he simply followed that order. Ironically, Onoda spent his final years much more depressed than during the decades in the jungle where his existence had meaning, and his suffering felt bearable.

In this story, both men sacrificed much of their lives – Onoda out of loyalty to a late empire, and Suzuki for an adventurous cause (Suzuki died shortly afterward during one of these adventures). However, the suffering of Onoda and Suzuki holds significance for them; it serves a cause greater than themselves. It is because it meant something that they found the courage to endure it, and perhaps even derive some enjoyment from it.

At the end of this story, Mark Manson prompts us to contemplate the meaning of our suffering to enhance our lives: If suffering, like our problems, is inevitable, the question we should ask is not “How do I stop suffering?” but rather “Why am I suffering? For what cause? To what end?”

4.2 –The onion and self-awareness

Self-awareness, akin to an onion, consists of multiple layers:

The initial layer involves a fundamental understanding of our emotions.
The second layer delves into the ability to question why we experience specific emotions.
The third and most crucial layer is that of our personal values. These values not only shape the nature of our problems but also determine the overall quality of our life. They underpin our identity and influence every aspect of our actions (our thoughts about a situation are inherently linked to the value we assign to it).

Mark Manson suggests that much of the popular self-development focus operates at a surface level, often merely aimed at providing short-term feel-good experiences.

4.3 – Rock stars problems

In this section of The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson outlines what he refers to as “false values”—values that, in his view, lead to inextricable problems:

Pleasure:

Pleasure, being the most superficial form of satisfaction and the easiest to obtain, is necessary in certain doses but not sufficient on its own. It’s not the cause of happiness; rather, it’s an effect of it.

Material success:

Research indicates that once basic needs are satisfied (food, shelter, etc.), the correlation between happiness and material success is nearly negligible.

Always being right:

Those who base their self-worth on consistently having the last word hinder their ability to learn from mistakes. Refusing to see things from a different perspective closes the door to valuable lessons.

Staying positive no matter what:

While consistently focusing on the positive side of things has advantages, life sometimes brings challenges. It’s acceptable to express negative emotions, but it’s crucial to do so in a socially acceptable, healthy manner aligned with our values.

Mark Manson emphasizes that, in the long run, completing a marathon brings more happiness than eating a chocolate cake, raising children fulfills us more than beating a video game, and starting a small business with friends for financial stability gives more satisfaction than buying a new computer. These activities, while stressful and challenging, provide an absolute thrill. They demand effort, pain, and sometimes despair, but once overcome, looking back becomes a source of deep satisfaction and pride. As Freud said, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” Hence, values like pleasure, material success, always being right, and staying positive no matter what are deemed poor ideals by Manson.

4.5 – “Cool” values and “crappy” values

Mark Manson distinguishes between “cool” values and “crappy” values:

Cool values are:

Reality-based,
Socially constructive,
Immediate and controllable.

Examples of “cool” values, according to Mark Manson, include honesty, innovation, vulnerability, self-defense, defense of others, mutual respect, curiosity, charity, humility, and creativity.

Crappy values are:

Based on superstition,
Socially destructive,
Neither immediate nor controllable.

Examples of “crappy” values, according to Mark Manson in The subtle art of not giving a fck, encompass dominance through manipulation or violence, pursuing intimate relations without regard, a dismissive attitude towards others, seeking constant pleasure, craving attention, avoiding solitude at all costs, seeking universal approval, and pursuing wealth solely for the sake of wealth.

By choosing “cool” values, individuals can focus on things that truly matter, leading to improved feelings, happiness, pleasure, and success. This, in turn, results in facing better problems and an enhanced life.

4.6 – Five most profitable “negative” values

The remainder of “The subtle art of not giving a fck” revolves around five values that, according to Mark Manson, are not the most prevalent but are the most profitable. These values align with the “backward law” introduced in Chapter 1, as they are considered “negative.” Embracing these values requires confronting one’s own problems and, despite being iconoclastic and unconventional, they have the potential to significantly alter lives. The five values are:

Radical Responsibility:

Taking responsibility for everything that occurs in our lives without assigning blame.

Uncertainty:

Acknowledging our own ignorance and fostering perpetual doubt about our beliefs.

Failure:

Willingness to recognize and learn from our faults and mistakes.

Rejection:

Developing the ability to say and hear “no” to clearly define what is accepted and not accepted in one’s life.

Contemplation of our Mortal Condition:

Seriously considering our own mortality to gain perspective on all other values.

Chapter 5 – You Are Making Choices All the Time

5.1 – Choosing one’s problems

Mark Manson initiates this chapter by illustrating the example of running a marathon:

When we willingly choose to participate in and prepare for a marathon, the experience is unforgettable. However, if the marathon is imposed on us against our will, it becomes a painful ordeal. According to Mark Manson:

The sole distinction between a situation perceived as overwhelming and one perceived as invigorating is the feeling associated with it. In the latter case, we were able to make a choice autonomously and assume responsibility for it. When you actively choose your challenges, you feel empowered. Conversely, when challenges are forced upon you, you perceive yourself as an unfortunate victim.

5.2 – Not choosing is still choosing

After enduring years as an ugly duckling, the American psychologist and philosopher William James, in a state of depression, embarked on an experiment: he committed to a year with the unwavering belief that he was 100% responsible for everything that would happen to him, without exception.

Following this experiment, his life underwent a radical transformation, which he described as a “rebirth.” It is this change that he attributes to his subsequent accomplishments. The core idea here is that recognizing one’s responsibility for everything in life, irrespective of circumstances, leads to personal development.

According to Mark Manson, we may not always control the events that unfold, but we invariably control our attitude toward these events and how we choose to react. Consequently, the same occurrence can take on a positive or negative significance based on the criteria we opt to apply.

5.3 – Don’t confuse “responsibility” and “fault”

It’s crucial to distinguish between “responsibility” and “fault,” two concepts often intertwined in Western mentalities. We are continually responsible for experiences that are not necessarily our fault—it’s an inherent aspect of life. Mark Manson provides a method to separate these concepts:

Fault is rooted in choices that have already been made.
Responsibility arises from the choices we are currently making every second of every day.

To illustrate this distinction, Manson shares the story of his first breakup. His girlfriend cheated on him with his teacher before ending the relationship, causing profound devastation. Initially, he held his girlfriend entirely at fault for his sorrow. However, he eventually realized that, even though she was to blame for what happened and the emotional state he was in, she was not responsible for his misery—that responsibility rested with him.

Manson goes on to explain how, through a prolonged process, he managed to enhance himself in subsequent relationships. Taking responsibility for one’s problems is a distinct process, and the lessons learned from it are immensely valuable. Correcting mistakes comes from claiming responsibility, while merely placing blame on others is detrimental to oneself.

5.4 – How to react to tragedies?

The story that Mark Manson shares is deeply moving. Malala Yousafzai, a young girl from a small Afghan village, took a stand against the oppressive rules imposed by the Taliban when she was just 13. Despite the ban, she chose to defy the authorities and go to school every day. As a consequence, she was shot in the head one day, miraculously surviving the attempt on her life.

Despite ongoing threats, Malala, now a renowned activist, continues to speak out against the oppression and violence faced by women in Muslim countries through various books. In 2014, she received the Nobel Peace Prize, gaining international recognition.

Mark Manson concludes this narrative here in The subtle art of not giving a fck by highlighting that it would have been easy for Malala to say, “What can I do?” or “I have no choice.” No one would have blamed her for such sentiments. However, the girl made a different choice, defying adversity and becoming an inspiring symbol of courage and activism.

5.5 – Life is a game of poker

Mark Manson encourages us to view life as a poker game:

In the initial deal, everyone receives a set of cards. Some are fortunate to get better cards than others. While it may be tempting to fixate on the hand you’ve been dealt and feel cheated, the true essence of the game lies in the choices you make with your hand, the risks you decide to take, and the consequences you choose to embrace. Those consistently making optimal choices in the situations they face tend to fare the best—both in life and in poker. It’s not necessarily those who received the best hands initially who succeed.

5.6 – “Victimhood”

In today’s world, individuals often feel entitled to express outrage and involve others whenever they feel offended for any reason. Mark Manson warns that the danger of this “victimhood” lies in its tendency to divert attention away from genuine victims. As more people claim to be aggrieved by minor offenses, it becomes increasingly challenging to discern who the actual victims are.

Chapter 6 – You’re Wrong About Everything (but the author is too)

6.1 – Architects of our own beliefs

Throughout my life, I’ve consistently been wrong about everything—about myself, others, society, culture, the world, the universe—about every aspect from the very beginning. And even now, I find myself repeatedly mistaken about everything, and that’s precisely why my life is gradually improving.

Mark Manson shares an experiment conducted by psychologists where a person is placed in a room with buttons to push, aiming to find the right button to turn on the light and earn points within 30 minutes. The experiment highlights how swiftly the human mind can create “bullshit” and genuinely believe in it.

During the experiment, participants are convinced they’ve discovered the “perfect” sequence. Our brains, as the author explains, are meaning machines, attributing significance based on associations formed between various experiences. Essentially, what we consider good is shaped by our past experiences.

According to Mark Manson, the key is to consistently foster doubt and be willing to admit when we are wrong.

6.2 – Be careful what you believe

The incredible story of Meredith

Mark Manson shares a remarkable story with us. In 1988, during a therapy session, Meredith, a feminist journalist, comes to the realization that she was sexually abused by her father as a child—a repressed memory that had lingered in her subconscious for a significant part of her life. At the age of 37, she discloses the details to her family and confronts her father, who vehemently denies it. This revelation causes a rift among those close to Meredith, leading to division and taking sides.

However, the story takes a more tragic turn. A decade later, Meredith discovers that her father never abused her. In fact, she had fabricated the traumatic memory with the unintentional assistance of a well-meaning therapist. Consumed by guilt, she tries to apologize and explain, but it’s too late—her father has passed away, and the damage to her family is irreversible. Meredith eventually turns this experience into a book titled “My Lie: A True Story of False Memory.”

Trusting yourself less

Certainly, in the 1980s (as the author elaborates on the reasons), many women accused men in their families of sexual abuse only to retract their statements years later. These cases shed light on the workings of our memories: our brain processes events to align them with all previous experiences, feelings, and certainties. Consequently, when we encounter situations that contradict our past truths, our brain generates fictitious memories to restore consistency.

Mark Manson draws a parallel between the operation of our memories and the game of Chinese whispers, where a message is passed from one person to the next, resulting in a distorted version at the end of the chain. Hence, our memories are fallible, and our brains operate with strong biases. Despite the common advice to “go with our gut,” Mark Manson suggests in The subtle art of not giving a fck the opposite—encouraging us to trust ourselves less.

6.3 – The dangers of absolute certainty

Certainly, Laura is a young woman deeply immersed in the world of self-development. After a rejected romantic relationship with the author, she engages in persistent and irrational behavior, clinging to unconventional beliefs. Mark Manson uses Laura’s character to illustrate three key ideas:

Certainty is never absolute.
The pursuit of certainty often paradoxically leads to increased insecurity. This aligns with the “backward law”: the more we seek absolute certainty, the more we reinforce a sense of uncertainty and insecurity. Conversely, accepting the state of uncertainty can lead to a deeper understanding of what we do not know.
Embracing uncertainty has the potential to dismantle stereotypes and prejudices, preventing hasty judgments, both about others and oneself.

6.4 – Mark Manson’s law of avoidance

Mark Manson introduces the “law of avoidance,” stating that the more a situation jeopardizes our identity and challenges the perception we hold of ourselves (whether positively or negatively), the more we tend to avoid it. This avoidance dynamic is why people may fear success just as much as failure—it poses a threat to their established self-image. As long as we resist altering our self-perception, embracing what we believe and disbelieve about ourselves, genuine change becomes challenging.

6.5 – Don’t be special

After recognizing that our problems aren’t exceptionally unique and shedding our sense of entitlement, essentially letting go, we attain freedom. Mark Manson advises defining ourselves in the most ordinary and standard manner:

This involves releasing grandiose self-perceptions and relinquishing the notion that we are entitled to something. It also means surrendering the emotional highs we’ve indulged in for years.

6.6 – How to be a little less certain of yourself

Mark Manson suggests posing certain questions to introduce more uncertainty into our lives.

Question #1: What if I was wrong?

This question should become a mental habit, a reflex. It doesn’t imply you are wrong every time you ask it, but it reminds you that there’s always something you might be wrong about.

Question #2: What would it mean if I was wrong?

Being able to consider and evaluate other perspectives without necessarily adopting them is a crucial skill for constructive life changes.

Question #3: Would being wrong create a better or worse problem than my current problem for myself and others?

If you feel like it’s you against the world, there’s a chance it’s actually yourself against yourself.

Chapter 7- “Failing” to Get a Good Start

7.1 – The Paradox of failure and success

Advancement in any field necessitates countless small setbacks. Denying the possibility of failure is, essentially, shutting the door to the potential for success. According to Mark Manson, what significantly contributes to the fear of failure includes:

The school system: It heavily emphasizes performance, evaluating individuals based on conformity to standards, and penalizing those deviating from the established framework.
Mass media: Constantly showcasing spectacular successes without highlighting the extensive hours of training and effort required to achieve them.

7.2 – Pain is part of the process

In the 1950s, Kazimierz Dabrowski, a Polish psychologist, delves into research involving survivors of the Second World War. Many of these survivors express that the accumulated traumas have, surprisingly, contributed to their increased maturity and, in some cases, even happiness. Despite the unimaginable horror of their experiences, some have managed to rebound, extract value from the years of hardship, and develop resilience.

Mark Manson highlights from this research that suffering is an integral part of the transformative process. It’s crucial to experience it fully. Attempting to disconnect from it, mask it, or overly indulge in positive thinking can deprive oneself of the essential motivation needed for personal growth:

Dabrowski argues that fear, anxiety, and sadness are not always disruptive or futile states of mind; on the contrary, they function as psychological and emotional engines, much like physical tests strengthen the body. Hence, according to Mark Manson:

“We need existential crises, in one form or another, to objectively assess what holds meaning in our lives and perhaps contemplate a change in direction.”

7.3 – Do something first, the rest will follow

If you find yourself stuck on a problem, don’t just sit and contemplate; dive into the work. Even if you’re unsure of the destination, engaging with the problem will eventually bring forth valuable ideas. Action, according to Mark Manson, is not just a consequence of motivation; it’s also a cause. While many believe that emotional inspiration leads to motivation and, subsequently, action, Manson argues that it’s part of an endless cycle: inspiration → motivation → action → inspiration → motivation → action, and so on.

According to Manson, it’s entirely possible to reshape your mindset by following this sequence: action → inspiration → motivation. Tim Ferriss, an American entrepreneur and author of “The 4-hour Workweek,” supports this idea with a story about an author who wrote more than seventy novels:

“If you implement this principle of ‘do something first, the rest will follow,’ failure loses its sting. When ‘action’ becomes the measure of success, any result is seen as progress. Inspiration is rewarded rather than being a prerequisite. Fear of failure diminishes, propelling you forward.”

Chapter 8 – The Importance of Saying No

8.1 – The usefulness of watertight boundaries in a relationship

In a healthy, nurturing relationship, partners:

Identify their individual problems and work together to find solutions, offering mutual support.
Take responsibility for their own actions and emotions without attempting to assume the other’s responsibilities.
Are comfortable with the possibility of rejecting or being rejected by their partner, facing crises and conflicts without fear of narcissistic wounds.

Conversely, in a toxic relationship, two common avoidance strategies are observed:

One person takes responsibility for problems/emotions that are not their own.
The other person attributes their problems to the partner.

These patterns often manifest in two distinct roles: the victim (in case #2), who ignites conflicts to feel important, and the savior (in case #1), who derives value from extinguishing these conflicts.

8.2 – How to build trust

Trust serves as the cornerstone of a relationship, and Mark Manson presents two key insights on this matter:

Conflict is an essential component in the process of building trust within a relationship.
When trust is compromised, its restoration is contingent upon two conditions:

The individual responsible for the breach of trust acknowledges the underlying motives.
They consistently exhibit a change in behavior over an extended period.

8.3 – Commitment to freedom

Finally, in The subtle art of not giving a fck, Mark Manson imparts several insights about experiencing life:

Consumer culture propels us toward an insatiable desire for more, but having “more” doesn’t necessarily equate to having a “better” life.
The abundance of choices, fueled by consumerism, contributes to the “paradox of choice.” Essentially, having more options often leads to less satisfaction with the choices made, as we continually ponder the unexplored alternatives.
Although committing to specific experiences, relationships, or endeavors involves forfeiting other possibilities, this focus is vital for success. Concentrating energy on a select few priorities increases the likelihood of achieving meaningful goals.
While broadening experiences is crucial during youth, accumulating too many experiences can diminish the impact of new ones. The joy of novelty is compromised when experiences become routine or lose their ability to evoke genuine excitement.

Chapter 9 – … And Then You Die

9.1 – The story of Josh’s death

In this final chapter, Mark Manson shares a poignant and tragic incident from his youth that had a profound impact on his life. The story revolves around the death of his friend, Josh. During a party at a condominium north of Dallas, Mark and Josh, fueled by several beers, decide to jump from a cliff approximately ten meters high into a lake. However, the lighthearted fun takes a tragic turn, leading to Josh’s accidental death.

Mark Manson candidly recounts the pain and depression he experienced in the aftermath of his friend’s death. Subsequently, he reveals how this tragic event served as a pivotal moment in his life, reshaping his perspective:

“Before his death, I was inhibited, lacking ambition, obsessed with what I imagined others might be thinking of me. After the tragedy, everything changed. I transformed into someone else – someone responsible, curious, and hardworking. […] The death of someone else had given me permission to live. This episode, undoubtedly the most challenging, is also the one that has most significantly altered the course of my life.”

9.2 – The immortal part in you

Ernest Becker, an unconventional anthropologist, faced challenges in his career but gained acclaim for his Pulitzer Prize-winning book, “The Denial of Death.” In this influential work, Becker explores two key ideas:

Humans are unique in their ability to abstractly conceptualize and imagine themselves. This distinct capacity brings about a profound fear of death, termed “death terror,” underlying all aspects of our thoughts and actions.
Becker suggests that we have two selves: the physical self, engaged in everyday activities, and the conceptual self, our identity or self-image. To cope with the inevitability of physical death, humans embark on “immortality projects” — endeavors that aim to ensure the survival of their conceptual selves beyond death.

Whether through artistic mastery, exploration, wealth accumulation, or leaving a lasting legacy, our pursuit of immortality projects is driven by an innate desire to transcend death. Becker argues that embracing the inevitability of death is a more fulfilling approach than denying it. Paradoxically, death is the contrast that gives meaning to life; without it, nothing would hold significance.

9.3 – The sunny side of death

In our relentless pursuit of money, fame, validation, and love, the unavoidable reality of death confronts us with a profound question: What will be our legacy? What impact will we leave? How will the world change when we are gone? Much like the notion that a butterfly’s flutter in Africa can lead to a hurricane in Florida, what kind of impact will we create?

To conclude “The subtle art of not giving a fck,” Mark Manson shares an experience at Cape of Good Hope, vividly describing the sensations as he stood on a cliff facing the ocean in strong winds. He emphasizes the ancient practice of contemplating one’s mortality as a means of appreciating life and putting its challenges into perspective.

Mark Manson narrates how being just inches from the cliff’s edge made him feel “alive, very alive.” The anecdote underscores the idea that nothing brings greater self-awareness and appreciation for the present moment than confronting the proximity of one’s own mortality.

**Book critique of “*The subtle art of not giving a fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life”***

What we learn in this book

“The subtle art of not giving a fck” gives us many things to think about, and some key ideas are:

Always seeking positive experiences can lead to negative ones in the end.
Every action comes with a sacrifice, and it’s important to accept that what makes us feel good might make us feel bad later.
Learning to prioritize and focus on what truly matters is crucial.
Simplifying our lives can lead to genuine happiness.
Problems and suffering are part of life, and it’s our responsibility to create meaningful challenges.
Each person is responsible for how they interpret and react to events.
Action is a source of motivation, and it’s not just motivation that drives action.
Our existence is ordinary, and accepting this frees us.
Having more doesn’t necessarily mean having the best.
Constantly seeking truth is a lifelong journey, and we learn by being wrong.
Choosing to let go of certain experiences allows us to fully embrace and appreciate the ones we commit to.
Death gives meaning to life.

The subtle art of not giving a fck Conclusion

“The subtle art of not giving a fck” comes highly recommended for several reasons. One notable strength is its ability to maintain a tone of freedom without compromising the depth of content. The book stands out by presenting contrarian ideas that deviate from prevailing narratives. Furthermore, it incorporates a slightly unconventional humor that doesn’t detract from the relevance of the subject matter. The inclusion of many well-told, captivating, and often real-life stories enhances the reading experience. Additionally, the author communicates with humility and sincerity, contributing to the overall positive reception of the book.

However, it’s important to note a potential weakness of “The subtle art of not giving a fck.” Some readers may not appreciate the book’s criticism of established and rarely questioned ideas commonly found in self-help books, such as positive thinking or the pursuit of excellence.

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