Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
By transforming our own selves, we have the power to transform the world. This transformation commences with a shift in our language and communication methods. I strongly advocate delving into the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” and embracing the processes it imparts. This book serves as a pivotal initial stride in reshaping our communication patterns and fostering a world built on compassion. Arun Gandhi, the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi, expresses this sentiment in the preface of the book.
By Marshall Rosenberg, 2003 (2nd edition), 1999 for the 1st edition, 259 pages
Chronicle and summary of “Non-violent communication: A language of life”
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” serves as a primer on empathic communication—communication that emanates from the heart. Marshall Rosenberg, in this book, outlines a process that equips us to engage in more serene communication both with others and with ourselves. The book is structured into two key components: expressing oneself with sincerity and listening with empathy.
PART 1 – GIVING FROM THE HEART
Chapter 1: Giving from the heart: at the source of Non-violent communication
As per Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication method that fosters authentic dialogue.
Learn to focus your attention
Implementing this communication approach requires a heightened focus on both our choice of words and the content of the other person’s message. Through Nonviolent Communication, we develop the skill of articulating our most profound needs and cultivating an attentive ear for the needs of others.
The NVC process
Nonviolent Communication comprises four essential elements:
- Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
The process begins with observing a situation, followed by recognizing the feelings stirred by that situation. Subsequently, an exploration of the needs associated with those feelings takes place. Finally, the focus shifts to formulating concrete requests aimed at fulfilling those needs.
As an illustration, a mother conversing with her teenager might express, “When I notice your belongings scattered around the living room (observation), it generates a sense of displeasure in me (feeling) because I have a need for the shared spaces to be more organized (need). Would you be willing to tidy up? (request)”
Applying Nonviolent Communication to life
This communication approach empowers us to cultivate benevolence, authenticity, and empathy in our interactions. Its applicability extends to various aspects of daily life, including relationships, parenting, and professional settings. Nonviolent Communication serves as a highly effective tool for conflict resolution and facilitates a clearer understanding of one’s own needs.
Chapter 2: Communication that blocks compassion
Marshall Rosenberg identifies four types of alienating language that hinder compassion development over time:
- Moralistic Judgments: This involves making self-righteous judgments about individuals whose actions do not align with our values. For instance, phrases like “He’s lazy” or “She’s a layabout” fall into this category.
- Comparisons: The act of comparing oneself to others serves as the second obstacle. Such comparisons, being a form of judgment, can impede the cultivation of compassion both for oneself and for others.
- Denying Responsibility: According to the author, another impediment to compassion is the denial of responsibility. This denial hinders individuals from fully acknowledging their responsibility for thoughts, feelings, and actions. The common use of expressions like “I have to” exemplifies this obstacle.
- Demanding Communication: Expressing desires in the form of demands poses a final obstacle to compassion. Such communication may make the other person feel threatened by the prospect of punishment or reproach if they fail to comply with the request.
Chapter 3: Observing without evaluating
The initial element of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) involves differentiating between observation and evaluation. Confusing these two aspects might lead the person we are communicating with to perceive criticism, which can evoke resistance. For instance, an observation would be “Jean was late twice this week,” while an evaluation would be “Jean is really not a punctual person.”
Chapter 4: Identifying and expressing feelings
The second phase of the process involves recognizing and articulating our emotions. Regrettably, a significant number of individuals have been conditioned to operate primarily with their intellect rather than their emotions. Consequently, there is a need to rediscover and relearn the language of the heart.
Distinguishing feelings from mental interpretations
Marshall Rosenberg emphasizes the crucial distinction between feelings and mental interpretations. Frequently, the terms “feel” and “feeling” are employed not to convey an emotion but to articulate a thought:
- “I feel like a failure” represents a mental interpretation.
- “I feel that this is useless” is a mental interpretation.
On the other hand:
- “I feel sad” genuinely expresses an emotion, akin to saying “I can’t wait to get started.”
A vocabulary for feelings
At times, it becomes necessary to cultivate a lexicon of emotions to articulate our feelings and emotions more distinctly. This endeavor not only facilitates clearer self-expression but also enhances our ability to establish genuine connections with others.
Chapter 5: Taking responsibility for our feelings
Assuming responsibility for our feelings and uncovering the underlying needs constitutes the third step in non-violent communication. In the face of a negative message, the author identifies four possible responses:
- Feeling at Fault: Douglas might respond, “Yes, you’re right. I’m so forgetful.” This response is characterized by a sense of personal fault, accompanied by feelings of low self-esteem, guilt, and depression.
- Blaming the Other Person: Alternatively, Douglas could say, “You should have reminded me this morning or sent me a message so I’d remember!” This response involves blaming his wife, intensifying feelings of anger.
- Perceiving Own Feelings and Needs: Opting for a more constructive approach, Douglas might say, “When you express yourself like that, I don’t feel respected, because I need you to accept that I am capable of forgetting things.” In this response, he becomes aware of his feelings and articulates the associated need.
- Perceiving Other Person’s Feelings and Needs: Lastly, Douglas might respond with empathy, saying, “Do you feel angry because you have the impression that I wasn’t listening to you and because you need consideration?” This approach involves considering his wife’s feelings and attempting to express the associated need.
The last two responses exemplify effective use of non-violent communication, fostering sincere dialogue based on mutual understanding. Expressing needs and feelings in this manner can be challenging, especially in a society that often values discretion. However, it is the most effective way to communicate calmly, fostering genuine exchanges that respect the other person.
Chapter 6: Requesting that which would enrich life
The fourth and final step in the process involves making a request, and the author emphasizes the importance of adhering to specific criteria:
- Use Positive Language:
The author recommends employing positive language. Positive action language is particularly advised because a negative message may require our interlocutor to infer our true intentions.
- Make a Clear Request:
To ensure clarity, the request should be expressed sincerely, concisely, and precisely. The specificity of the request increases the likelihood of a successful outcome.
- Have the Request Reformulated:
To prevent misunderstandings, there are instances where it’s necessary to verify that the request is comprehended, perhaps through rephrasing or restating it.
- Distinguish Request from Demand:
Lastly, it is crucial that the other person does not perceive the request as a demand. For a request to remain a request and not morph into a demand, the individual on the receiving end should feel at liberty to respond negatively without apprehension of reprisal.
PART 2 – EMPATHIC LISTENING
Empathy is a manner of respectfully comprehending the experiences of others.
Chapter 7: Receiving empathically
According to Marshall Rosenberg, practicing empathetic listening involves engaging not just our intellect but our entire being. To truly listen, we must set aside our own preoccupations and “forget ourselves.” Often, our instinct is to provide advice, comfort, or share our opinion, when, in reality, the other person simply desires to be heard.
Listening for feelings and needs
In nonviolent communication, practicing empathetic reception entails merely listening to the other person—attending to their observation, feelings, needs, and, ultimately, their request.
Paraphrase
We have the option to rephrase their words, expressing our understanding of what they’ve communicated. Subsequently, the person on the other end can validate or rectify the message if any nuances are unclear. The author underscores the significance of the tone employed in this process; the individual should sense that our intention is to genuinely comprehend, rather than asserting that we have fully understood.
Sustaining empathy
The goal is to maintain empathy until we’ve comprehensively absorbed what the other person wishes to convey. It involves listening attentively until the conversation concludes and persistently rephrasing until the individual on the other end senses that their message has been entirely acknowledged. Only after achieving a thorough understanding do we contemplate providing advice, expressing an opinion, or exploring solutions if deemed necessary.
Pain blocks our ability to empathize
“We cannot give something to others if we do not possess it ourselves.” Before extending empathy to others, it is imperative to extend empathy to ourselves. We have the capacity—and indeed, the obligation—to afford ourselves the same level of attentive listening, thereby gaining a clearer understanding of our own needs before addressing those of others.
Chapter 8: The power of empathy
Enhancing our capacity for empathy opens up new avenues for resources. As per Marshall Rosenberg, the utilization of empathy enables us to maintain both authenticity and vulnerability, fostering a genuine connection with the other person. At times, this capacity facilitates the alleviation of suffering by dismantling psychological barriers. Empathy, on its own, has the power to de-escalate potential danger and the threat of violence. It enables us to acknowledge a refusal without interpreting it as rejection, reviving vitality in a conversation, and occasionally unveiling unspoken sentiments.
Chapter 9: Connecting compassionately with ourselves
Undoubtedly, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) plays a pivotal role in our self-relationship. It becomes challenging to extend compassion to others if we harbor violence and self-righteousness within ourselves.
Nonviolent Communication mourning
In moments of self-criticism, the author recommends halting and posing the question: “What unmet need is being communicated through this moral judgment?” This aligns with the concept of Nonviolent Communication mourning, linking back to unfulfilled needs and the accompanying emotions. Assess how the behavior we regret has contradicted our needs, and embrace the emotions that arise from this realization.
Self-forgiveness
Following this process of mourning, we can grant ourselves forgiveness by extending empathy to the aspect of ourselves that took action in the past. To forgive ourselves, we identify the need that drove our past behavior and establish an empathic connection without passing judgment.
Don’t do anything that isn’t play
In this part of Non-violent communication, Marshall Rosenberg underscores the importance of allowing our actions and our yearning for life to guide us, rather than being driven by fear, shame, or a sense of obligation. As an illustration, he highlights all the statements we initiate with phrases like “I have to” or “I must.”
Translating “have to” to “choose to”
One proposed solution is to reframe “I have to” into “I choose to.” By doing so, we assume complete responsibility for our actions. Taking it a step further, he recommends transforming all the obligations and things we feel compelled to do—those tasks lacking joy—into statements using the new formula: “I choose to… because I want to….” This approach sheds light on the motivations behind our actions, fostering a heightened awareness of our needs, enabling a clearer identification of our values, and promoting greater honesty with ourselves.
Chapter 10: Expressing anger fully
When the concept of “nonviolent” communication is mentioned, there’s a common misconception that anger has no role in the process. However, this is not entirely accurate. Marshall Rosenberg advocates for the full expression of anger.
Distinguishing stimulus from cause
The initial phase in fully expressing anger is to assume complete responsibility for it. While another person may act as a triggering factor, they are by no means responsible for our emotional responses. Our primary focus should be directed toward understanding our feelings and needs. The author underscores that articulating our needs rather than resorting to judgment, criticism, or punishment significantly increases our chances of achieving our desired outcomes.
Four steps to expressing anger
Marshall Rosenberg outlines four essential steps for the constructive expression of anger:
- Pause and take a deep breath.
- Identify judgmental thoughts.
- Connect with our underlying needs.
- Express our feelings and unmet needs.
Taking our time
For a proper grasp and application of the Nonviolent Communication process, it’s crucial to invest time deliberately. Breaking away from our ingrained conditioning is necessary, considering that judgment and criticism are deeply embedded in our habits. As per the author, the learning curve is substantial, and the application of Nonviolent Communication requires a considerable amount of time.
Chapter 11: The protective use of force
When the use of force is unavoidable
In situations where communication is virtually impossible, such as when facing imminent danger, there may be very rare instances when the use of force becomes unavoidable. This protective use of force is employed solely out of concern for safety.
However, according to Marshall Rosenberg, punitive force is deemed ineffective. The application of force tends to instigate resistance to the desired behavior. When it comes to punishment, it diminishes the authenticity in relationships, directing attention toward the consequences of misbehavior rather than the inherent quality of the action itself. For instance, an employee driven by fear of sanctions may fulfill their duties but lacks genuine desire or enthusiasm. Over time, productivity may decline, and the relationship with the employer becomes strained and unhealthy.
Chapter 12: Liberating ourselves and counseling others
Freeing ourselves from old programming
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) advocates for a fresh approach to our relationship with ourselves. To embark on this journey, it is essential to liberate ourselves from ingrained conditioning. In contemporary society, exhibiting sensitivity is often misconstrued as a sign of weakness, and openly expressing our needs is sometimes viewed as selfishness. The transformation lies in breaking free from these cultural norms, enabling a more systematic expression of our needs and feelings.
Resolving inner conflicts
Employing the Nonviolent Communication process on ourselves enhances our ability to recognize and acknowledge our own needs and feelings. This, at times, leads to the resolution of internal conflicts and helps prevent the onset of depression. Practicing empathy towards ourselves contributes to a more tranquil and harmonious way of life.
Chapter 13: Expressing appreciation
Marshall Rosenberg suggests that compliments, even when positive, frequently manifest as judgments and may be employed to influence another person’s behavior. He introduces three components of genuine appreciation:
- The actions that have contributed to our well-being.
- The needs that were fulfilled through those actions.
- The positive feeling that arises from the satisfaction of those needs.
For instance, consider the following example: “Sébastien, when you published that article about NVC, I felt filled with hope. I was looking for a way to communicate with my son, and this article gave me the direction I was seeking.”
Conclusion “Non-violent communication: A language of life”
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an extraordinary tool that should be known to everyone. This method of communication not only enables us to interact more authentically with others but also enhances our ability to listen to ourselves and attain better self-awareness.
In my own journey, I refrained from acknowledging my needs and expressing my feelings until the age of 20. I kept everything bottled up inside until it all came to a head, compelling me to confront those neglected needs. It was at this critical juncture that I discovered Nonviolent Communication, and it transformed my life. Nonviolent Communication empowered me to be more forthright with others about my needs and to take full responsibility for them. Simultaneously, I learned that I am not accountable for the needs and feelings of others. Through Nonviolent Communication, I acquired the skill of being empathetic without shouldering the burdens of the world. I learned how to assist someone simply by listening, without assuming responsibility for their needs and feelings.
Peace of mind in difficult situations
Nonviolent Communication has been instrumental, particularly in fostering inner peace amidst various life situations. This book has been a guide in helping me cease self-evaluation, self-judgment, and self-criticism. Gradually, I found a sense of peace within myself by identifying the underlying needs behind each of my thoughts. This process has heightened my awareness of personal needs and values, illuminating what truly matters to me.
The journey with Nonviolent Communication is an ongoing process that demands consistent practice. However, the impact on personal development has been profound. For me, it held even greater significance as this method facilitated not only peace with myself but also enhanced emotional management. Notably, Nonviolent Communication significantly diminished my anger toward others and myself. Today, the empathy I extend towards both myself and others has expanded, contributing substantially to my serenity. This book has played a pivotal role in this transformative journey.
The book has some strengths worth noting. It includes exercises at the end of each chapter, which helps readers practice what they’ve learned. Marshall Rosenberg shares practical cases from his extensive experience, making the concepts more relatable. The language used in the book is simple and accessible, ensuring that everyone can understand it. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is introduced as a fresh approach to communication, fostering genuine connections and providing a helpful method for resolving conflicts. It’s beneficial for both resolving our own conflicts and gaining a better understanding of our needs.
However, there are some drawbacks to consider. Nonviolent Communication is a relatively complex process that requires learning and practice before it can be fully grasped. Mastery of the method takes time, so it’s not an instant solution.
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