{"id":1594,"date":"2020-08-11T19:30:19","date_gmt":"2020-08-11T19:30:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sitrakaratsimba.com\/?p=1594"},"modified":"2023-09-04T15:44:21","modified_gmt":"2023-09-04T15:44:21","slug":"never-split-the-difference-summary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sitrakaratsimba.com\/fr\/never-split-the-difference-summary\/","title":{"rendered":"Never split the difference summary"},"content":{"rendered":"
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NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE SUMMARY<\/strong><\/h1>

Welcome to this summary of the book \u201cNever split the difference<\/b>\u201d by Chris Voss<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>

I can say that this book was personally a \u201cmulti-orgasmic book\u201d with lots of insights.<\/p>

Honestly speaking, I couldn\u2019t help but keep smiling while discovering new techniques and tips on negotiation<\/p>

\"never<\/p>

CHAPTER 1 – THE NEW RULES<\/strong><\/h2>

Imagine that a group of terrorists got your son and they ask for 1 million dollars or he dies; what would you do?<\/p>

In never split the difference, Chris Voss starts with this little anecdote which didn\u2019t really happen but was a simple test made by Harvard Law School negotiating professors.<\/p>

As the author had to answer, he used several techniques he\u2019s been using for more than twenty years in the FBI, including fifteen years negotiating hostage situations from New York to the Philippines and the Middle East.<\/p>

He would for example reply to Robert, one of the negotiating professors: \u201c\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Robert, how do I know he\u2019s even alive?\u201d The author used here an apology and the professor\u2019s first name, seeding more warmth into the interaction in order to complicate his maneuver to demolish him.<\/p>

Then he would repeat \u201cI really am sorry, but how can I get you any money right now, much less one million dollars, if I don\u2019t even know he\u2019s alive?\u201d<\/p>

We can see here that \u201cthe frame of the conversation had shifted from how Chris would respond to the threat of his son\u2019s murder to how the professor would deal with the logistical issues involved in getting the money.\u201d<\/p>

The author of \u201cnever split the difference\u201d also uses tactic calibrated questions: queries that the other side can respond to but that have no fixed answers. It buys you time. It gives your counterpart the illusion of control.<\/p>

Old school negotiation<\/strong><\/h3>

The old school model as the author qualifies it is based on the thought that we have a rational mind. This approach was initiated by Roger Fisher and William Ury who wrote the book \u201cGetting to Yes\u201d; a treatise on negotiation that the New York City Police Department (NYPD) and the FBI would implement.<\/p>

The central tenet of their approach is that a rational brain overcomes the emotional and irrational one.<\/p>

An emotional mind<\/strong><\/h3>

Daniel Kahneman won a Nobel Prize by showing that man is a very irrational beast. Kahneman later codified his research in the 2011 bestseller Thinking, Fast and Slow.<\/p>

Man, Kahneman wrote, has two systems of thought: System 1, our animal mind, is fast, instinctive, and emotional; System 2 is slow, deliberative, and logical. And System 1 is far more influential. In fact, it guides and steers our rational thoughts.<\/p>

Now think about that: under this model, if you know how to affect your counterpart\u2019s System 1 thinking, his inarticulate feelings, by how you frame and deliver your questions and statements, then you can guide his System 2 rationality and therefore modify his responses.<\/p>

If you believed Kahneman, conducting negotiations based on System 2 concepts without the tools to read, understand, and manipulate the System 1 emotional underpinning was like trying to make an omelet without first knowing how to crack an egg<\/p>

The FBI gets emotional<\/strong><\/h3>

In his career, Chris Voss noticed a clear breakdown between the theory in the book \u201cGetting to yes\u201d and the everyday law enforcement experience. It was impossible to handle complex hostage situations using their theory based on the \u201crational mind\u201d.<\/p>

It was clear that most incidents were driven by emotions, not by rational bargaining situations.<\/p>

Chris Voss argues that emotions and emotional intelligence would have to be central to effective negotiation, not things to be overcome.<\/p>

As he said \u201cWhat we needed were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked in the field to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. We needed something easy to teach, easy to learn, and easy to execute.\u201d<\/p>

The whole concept, which you\u2019ll learn as the centerpiece of this book \u201cnever split the difference\u201d, is called Tactical Empathy. This uses listening as a martial art, balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence, to gain access to the mind of another person.<\/p>

NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE CHAPTER 2- BE A MIRROR<\/strong><\/h2>

\u201cThe language of negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: a way of quickly establishing relationships and getting people to talk and think together.\u201d<\/p>

You shouldn\u2019t view negotiation as a battle of arguments. If you do this, people will become overwhelmed; they will feel unsafe and insecure. Instead, think of negotiation as a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.<\/p>

As shared in \u201cnever split the difference\u201d, Chris Voss highlights that one of the things you can do is to put a smile on your face.<\/p>

People in a positive frame are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve. It\u2019s important to slow. It. Down.<\/p>

The most fundamental need of any human being is to be heard, to be understood; and going too fast will leave an impression that we were not heard enough. You\u2019ll risk undermining the rapport and trust you\u2019ve built.<\/p>

The voice<\/strong><\/h3>

According to the author, your most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice. You can use your voice to intentionally reach into someone\u2019s brain and flip an emotional switch. Distrusting to trusting. Nervous to calm.<\/p>

For example, when we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations just seem to flow. When we enter a room with a level of comfort and enthusiasm, we attract people toward us. Smile at someone on the street, and as a reflex they\u2019ll smile back.<\/p>

There are three voice tones available to negotiators as explained in “never split the difference”:<\/p>

  1. The late-night FM DJ voice<\/strong>: Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness.<\/li>
  2. The positive\/playful voice<\/strong>: Should be your default voice. It\u2019s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you\u2019re talking.<\/li>
  3. The direct or assertive voice<\/strong>: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback.<\/li><\/ol>

    Mirroring<\/strong><\/h3>

    Of the entirety of the FBI\u2019s hostage negotiation skill set, mirroring is the closest one gets to a Jedi mind trick. Simple, and yet uncannily effective.<\/p>

    It\u2019s almost laughably simple: for the FBI, a \u201cmirror\u201d is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.<\/p>

    It\u2019s a phenomenon (and now technique) that follows a very basic but profound biological principle: We fear what\u2019s different and are drawn to what\u2019s similar.<\/p>

    As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.<\/p>

    Mirroring, then, when practiced consciously, is the art of insinuating similarity. \u201cTrust me,\u201d a mirror signals to another\u2019s unconscious, \u201cYou and I \u2014we\u2019re alike.\u201d<\/p>

    All things considered, we can mirror someone using body language, accent, or tones.<\/p>

    But a negotiator should focus solely on mirroring her counterpart\u2019s words.<\/p>

    How to confront and get your way without confrontation<\/strong><\/h3>

    Mirroring also gives you the ability to disagree with someone without being disagreeable.<\/p>

    The author doesn\u2019t recommend what he calls \u201cthe pit bull approach\u201d where two people become aggressive, feeling unsafe, either attacking or withdrawing.<\/p>

    Here\u2019s a better approach as explained in never split the difference:<\/p>

    It\u2019s just four simple steps:<\/strong><\/h3>
    1. Use the late-night FM DJ voice (Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow)<\/li>
    2. Start with \u201cI\u2019m sorry . . .\u201d<\/li>
    3. Mirror.<\/li>
    4. Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart.<\/li>
    5. Repeat<\/li><\/ol>

      Remember, a negotiator mirrors by using the last three words of his counterpart.<\/p>

      CHAPTER 3- DON\u2019T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT<\/strong><\/h2>

      In the old school negotiation, the rational brain prevails over the emotional one. The adepts of this system often said: \u201c\u201cSeparate the people from the problem\u201d was the common refrain.\u201d<\/p>

      But in \u201cNever split the difference\u201d, Chris Voss disagrees \u201cHow can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem? Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out the window\u201d<\/p>

      We shouldn\u2019t deny or ignore emotions; good negotiators identify these emotions and influence them.<\/p>

      \u201cThey are able to precisely label emotions, those of others and especially their own. And once they label the emotions they talk about them without getting wound up. For them, emotion is a tool. Emotions aren\u2019t the obstacles, they are the means.\u201d<\/p>

      Tactical empathy<\/strong><\/h3>

      To understand tactical empathy, we first need to talk about empathy itself.<\/p>

      Empathy is more than the ability to recognize emotion in others; it requires understanding the impact of emotions on the person experiencing them. At the core of empathy is knowing what it would be like to feel the same way, or experience the same emotions as someone else.<\/p>

      To the author, \u201cempathy is \u201cthe ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.\u201d That\u2019s an academic way of saying that empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.\u201d<\/p>

      \u201cTactical empathy is \u201cunderstanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment\u201d and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It\u2019s bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. It\u2019s emotional intelligence on steroids.\u201d<\/p>

      Empathy works and as the author emphasizes, it will help you what Sun Tzu called \u201cthe supreme art of war\u201d: to subdue the enemy without fighting.<\/p>

      Never split the difference: Labeling<\/strong><\/h3>

      We employ tactical empathy by recognizing and then verbalizing the predictable emotions of the situation. It doesn\u2019t only consist of putting oneself into someone else\u2019s shoes. It is about spotting the counterpart\u2019s feelings and turning them into words, verbalizing them. It\u2019s also about calmly and respectfully repeating the emotions back to our counterpart. In a negotiation, it\u2019s called labeling.<\/p>

      Labeling is a way of validating someone\u2019s emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone\u2019s emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels.<\/p>

      Using labeling<\/strong><\/h3>

      To never split the difference, the author shares 3 steps for using labeling.<\/p>

      The first step is detecting the other person\u2019s emotional state<\/p>

      Once you\u2019ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection. But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with roughly the same words:<\/p>